“Well, that’s easier on you”, five little words that typically offer a reprieve of life’s trials and tribulations, five words that are simple in nature but complex when placed together, five words that shattered my heart and changed my perspective.
When I answer someone’s question about babies in my future with “We will probably adopt at some point,” It’s not because I don’t want to go through the pains of child labor. It’s definitely not because I don’t want to carry a baby for nine months, or I am cautious about losing my figure. When I say it I mean, ‘Please don’t ask me again.’ This particular person responded with “Well, that’s easier on you.”
I am definitely not downplaying carrying a baby, and then going through labor. I understand that those are not easy things, but in the end there is this tiny miracle that belongs solely to you. With fertility issues you only have an empty womb, and a wounded heart. It is definitely not easy. There are days when I am angry, but God offers healing.
29 Jesus left there and went along the Sea of Galilee. Then he went up on a mountainside and sat down. 30 Great crowds came to him, bringing the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them. 31 The people were amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled made well, the lame walking and the blind seeing. And they praised the God of Israel. -Matthew 15
Lord, I know you are the great healer. Heal the hearts of those who share this burden, and if you choose, heal their wombs.
I become anxious, and frustrated. Sometimes I feel as though there is nowhere for me to find solace. No one could possibly understand. But He does.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29
You hear our cries, You know our hearts.
All of this led me to think a little further, delve a little deeper. I know that God gave me the capacity to love any child who steps foot into my life. Before I was born, He knew that I would face these struggles. He knew that I would need a big heart.
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying, 5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. -Jeremiah 1
I refuse to continue to fret over these things. He is my light and my salvation; I will look to Him for strength.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6
Father, I trust you.
God calls each and every one of us for His purpose. I believe He has called my husband and me to leave our dreams of parenting our own children, in order to better love and serve Him and His children. This would mean fostering and/or adopting, or ministering to others as well as living our lives according to His will. This revelation is very bittersweet. I know that whatever his plans are, they are much greater than my plans. In fact, my plans cannot even compare.
As I think about all the things that He has suffered for our benefit I come to realize that of all things, He would be the most understanding.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son. That whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” –John 3:16
He gave up His only son- a living, breathing son that He watched grow, so that you and I can have eternal life.
Lord, even if it means giving up the dream of carrying my own children, I will do so. If it means loving beyond measure those that you love, I will do so. If it means trusting you with more than my life, but also trusting you with the lives of the children I may never have, and the children whose lives I will have the opportunity to touch, I will do so. You are my strength and my hope.
